"Oh no it happened again, she's cool, she's hot, she's my friend. I'd drive for hours if so, you leave me no where to go. She's unstoppable, unpredictable. I'm so jaded, calculated, wrong Please take me home, too late, it's gone. I bet you're sad, this is the best time we ever had. Buy hope, hope that it lasts, give in, forget the past. Be strong when things fall apart, honest this breaks my heart."
I'm not quite sure how I feel about this still, but October 10th had my heart pulling in separate directions. It was Andrew's 20th Birthday, and it was ALSO Brian's 21st Birthday. What are the fucking odds that they'd have the same birthday?
I felt odd getting two gifts for the both of them. I very well know that I didn't have to give Andrew a present, but I wanted to. I don't expect anything from it, I just wanted to give him something. A reminder that I'll always be his friend. It didn't help that I got Brian's presents hella early last month or even in August I already had most of it together, and then the day before his birthday, he pissed me off again. That boy will never learn. Thankfully, I was able to look past that just for his birthday. We have yet to talk about it though.
I opened 5:30am-1:30pm, odd that they cut off one hour, but it worked for me 'cuz I wanted to shower and get dressed up for whatever was going down. Saw Brian for about an hour 'cuz he worked 12-9pm, so we wouldn't hang out 'till he was off. So, I went home, showered, got all dressed up, and waited for Andrew to text me back. He had made some kind of lunch/dinner plans with Grace and wanted people to show up. Or course, nothing gets done in our group. Only the three of us went out to L&L 'cuz that's what he wanted. [Almost 2 hours later than planned, but it was cool.] Talked, and slightly oogled at Andrew. Oh, he looks so sexy. Haha. Then he drove us around and we got Starbucks, then sat in his car for like almost 2 hours. I hate sitting in the backseat. When I talk, no one hears me, and when I don't talk, they wonder why I'm quite. So its a lose-lose. But I figured, I'd let Andrew and Grace have a good time. Which we all did once we parked, it was easier to talk. When Andrew left to use the bathroom, I put his present in the backseat. I planned to leave around 8:30pm, but I just couldn't leave. Waited till Grace left, and I stay for a minute to tell him his gift was in the back. Gave him a kiss on the cheek and left. We texted for a bit after. He told me he'd always love me aswell. [Since I said that in his card.] And he loved his gift. I ended up getting his House MD season 5. I couldn't remember if he had season 4, so I got him the most resent one. Mainly 'cuz I got him the first two seasons last Christmas, and we watched House together. He texted me saying "it won't be the same without you." Which is how I feel about Deathnote. Oh how we are perfect in so many ways. Yet, I still feel too immature for all that seriousness.
And then, I made it to Brian's house around 10pm. The "party" didn't start yet. Brian doesn't have any friends, so it was all of Eric's friends that showed up. Whom, Brian knows them too...kinda. Since he turned 21, they wanted to take him to a bar, but since I'm underage, he didn't want to go. So they bought him alcohol and we drank at home. I made him open his gifts, and to my surprise, he seemed to have really liked them. I got him this book about how to do 500 different daily things, picture instructions. Its a pretty amazing book! He wanted to buy it like 3-4 months ago, but didn't, so I found it at Urban Outfitters and got it. AND, I got him the rattlesnake belt buckle he liked at the State Fair. And a belt to go with it. He wore it last night and today. So, I'm pretty happy. Back to the party, Brian made margaritas, which were HELLA GOOD, but he's such a puss, he put like a quarter of a shot of vodka in there. So, I added more. Haha. I had two of those, yet wasn't even buzzed. How sad, right? [I did work at 6:30am the next morning anyways.] The guys made him a shooter, and made him drink beer. Which he doesn't like, odd for a redneck. Haha. He likes wine, but no pussy drinks for him on his birthday. I'm pretty sure he was buzzed, but he wouldn't admit it. I'm not very social, so it was kinda awkward for me. Plus I was hella tired since I didn't nap at all. I retired to his room, and he followed me. How awkward it was to have all those people chant "Birthday sex, birthday sex." Ick. None of that, just straight to sleep for us. Haha. We party hard, huh?
Strange day...for sure. But it was good. I'm glad I was able to spend time with both of them. One weird thing though, Andrew's father took him to Home Depot 'cuz he had to pick up his check, and Andrew saw Brian working. I don't have to heart to tell Brian, 'cuz he'd be freaked out and probably pissed off for some reason. But, strange...indeed.
Well, I have SOOO much that I've been meaning to write, I just haven't had the time. So, sorry about that. I wanna write about the Cashier Olympics that took place tonight at the Home Depot. And I wanna write about more "relationship" issues. And that amazing Blink 182/Weezer concert. But I'll get around to it maybe. Thanks for reading!
"Laying in your bed again. I don't know where I'm resting my head tonight, but I know I'm alright, with you by my side." [NEVERsayNEVER - Get Comfortable]
On July 9th, Sean sat me in the classroom and read me a letter saying that my position in the store is getting taken away. Pretty much, Michaels needs to lay off 4 people in the store so they can hire some new people. Of course I was gonna be one of them. I only worked one day a week, for 4 hours. And of course, we got a new store manager, he wanted to get rid of people he can't really use. And it would be easy for him since he didn't really know us. He was giving us a month before completely getting rid of us. [NO I WAS NOT FIRED!!]
I kinda just smiled and laughed it off. I was planning to quit anyways, since I'm working towards that job at Kaiser. And I got my raise from Home Depot. So it was pointless to continue working there. I always dreaded coming into work anyways...but usually, once I got there. I'd have so much fun. I loved my co-workers. I loved the customers. I loved that I knew the products in the store. As my last month went on, or technically my 4 days, I started hating going into that store. Why should I even work? I can't get fired, they already let me go. Slowly, I did nothing...
About my second to last day there, I had a mini-break down about life. I ended up crying for a good 40 minutes after work at Home Depot one day. I was pissed because my moving out plans fell apart right before my eyes, I got stood up by friends, Brian got a raise at work for looking sad all the time, and the fact that I got laid off. I couldn't believe it. I'm so passionate about work, I didn't think it would hurt that much to leave it.
I worked at Michaels since October 28th, 2007, so for a good one year and nine months.
August 5th, was my last day working at Michaels. I played it off like it didn't matter, but I was really enjoying my last day there. BUT, Lo the new manager, also a friend in the frame shop, was such a dick to me since he became manager...he kicked me out of the store right at 9pm. My shift was 5:30-9:30pm and since its a set time, I got paid for that full time, but he didn't even want me there. HOW RUDE!! At least, I had two of my friends there that were sad. They both bought me a mini-cake. HOW SWEET!! I will definitely miss them. As for all of the employees there, but its for the best.
Now, I'm back to having only one job. I'm restricted to only 40 hours a week. Its a weird feeling. I must say.
I'm a little embarrassed to write this entry, but I feel as though its worth writing about, and this is the worst thing that I have been wanting to write about, so I'll get this out of the way. I'm sure I'll be judged a bit, which I kinda judged myself...oh well.
I tired weed for the first time...EVER. But, I did it by choice, because I've always been so against weed, I figured it wasn't fair for me to get so upset at people when they smoked. I did it with Brian, because I knew he would protect me if anything were to happen.
I did it the one day, and NOTHING happened. I even took a bong hit, and nothing! I was quite disappointed. So, he told me that nothing usually happens the first time and I should try it once more. Yet, I did sleep deep. So, the next night, we did it again. And once again, I did a lot apparently. And still nothing. Brian thought I was immune to the stuff. Then, I took another bong hit, a really big one. [I really didn't understand HOW MUCH I was doing. He had me try in so many different ways.] I sat in his lap, then oh my....I got soooo out of it. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I felt like I was all wavy. And I was melting into everything I was touching. It was so scary. Then, I had to throw up. So, thank god we were outside, and I found a vent/gutter to throw up in. I sat there what felt like forever, and threw up every now and then, laid down. Brian was telling me stories about his trips? It was sooo damn wavy, then I opened my eyes and I was totally fine. But my eyes were so heavy, I couldn't keep them open. Then I stood up and got dizzy again. And threw up again. Brian said that he doesn't think its the weed that made me like that. Well, sick like that. I'm thinking that all that smoke I inhaled REALLY hurt my throat and made me sick. But, the wavy-ness and the melting was the weed. I asked Brian how long it had been. Since, seriously, it felt like 3 hours, he said, "Like 20 minutes." OMG!!! That shocked me! I hella wanted to go to Brian's room, but it was so hard to focus. Finally I bolted up and Brian helped me walk to the side of the house, to hop thru his window. Which, he ended up carrying me. In his room, his bed felt so awesome. I wanted to ask him how long I was in his room, 'cuz I was for sure it had been 10 minutes, but I didn't want to sound stupid, so I didn't. I ended up falling asleep and that was it.
"Sitting in this room playing Russian roulette, finger on the trigger to my dear Juliet, out from the window see your back drop silhouette, this blood on my hands is something I cannot forget...So for now, take this down a notch, crash my car through your window, make sure you're still alive, just in time to kill you."
I've been stressing out a lot these past 2 weeks. And, honestly, my heart is really what's stressed out the most. I do things for the people that I love, or care about, and it's just....I have no time for me. I've been driving people to airports, driving people around, paying for people's pillows and day trips, and honestly...some of it just doesn't feel worth it anymore. Why do things for people that you care about...when you kinda know that you're being walked all over. Am I such a doormat? I don't like this.
This is titled "Framing" because, a couple of days ago, Andrew sent me a text asking me when I worked at Michaels, he needs to frame something. I told him Wednesday....and that's it. So, today, being Wednesday, I waited for him to come in. At first, I was just like, "Oh he's just gonna come in." Then...I started thinking about WHAT he was going to be framing. Then, I started really getting nervous. I got all mushy, thinking maybe he was gonna frame that cow I drew for him, and he'd say that his ex-girlfriend drew that for him and it was special to him. Or, maybe he'd have a picture of us, or of just me, and say that it's so nice, he wanted to frame it. Or give it as a gift to me to prove how perfect we are. And, that made my heart race. Then, I thought it would be nothing. Just a movie poster, or something random. So, I calmed down some. Then thought, maybe he wanted to know when I worked so he WOULDN'T have to see me. So, I got sad. And, then I started thinking about he's facebook status. And apparently he got a ticket for being at the park late. I asked if he was alone, and he said "No, that would be weird." So....I think he was on a date. Which...good for him, but that shattered my hopes. Then, I was thinking he'd bring this girl in, and frame something that she wanted to get framed. And he'd pay and flaunt his new chick. And how awesome they are. How much better she is than me. And so...that was the last thing I thought. Then, I was scared to have him come in.
And....he never came in. So, I'll never know.
I keep stressing out about little things like that. Not only do I worry about the present, but I worry about EVERYTHING!!!! Uh...what do you guys think? Am I just stupid for still thinking about Andrew? Am I stupid for STILL being with Brian? UHHHHHHHH!!! I hate life.
"All I ever wanted to do was to fall in love, just to be in love....
I knew I was only sixteen but I thought I loved her and it'd last forever. But only if I knew that she wasn't true. How could she do this to me?
My heart was racing, my mind was screaming, 'you've got your whole life to do these things' but my legs were shaking, my hands were searching for her in the backseat of my car. I just lost it and I can't believe it..."
This is why I love to work. I have nothing to do outside of work. I wanted to go eat some sushi, so I asked Brian, and he's at the movies with his brother. I ask 2 other friends, and they are busy. I guess its understandable since its such short notice. But...jeez. I want sushi! Haha...and well, I dressed up really nice for no reason. I still have two hours before I have to leave for work. ARGGG...
I should clean my room or something. But I'm too lazy. I've watch a ridiculous amount of TV in the past like 4 days. Hmmm, I'm bored.
Let's see...what's new with me? Ummm, same boy problems.Brian and I got into a fight last night, and just when I talk to him about it, I feel soooo stupid. But, usually everytime I get upset, someone always makes me feel stupid for thinking that way. Arggg...oh well. I did confess that I want him to move to Oregon 'cuz our "relationship" isn't healthy. Haha...I'm so strange.
UMMM, so I have about $1100 in the bank right now!!! Aren't you all proud of me!?! Well, about $700 is in savings, and $350 is in my checking!!! So, my plan is to wait 'till my next paycheck, I will put $200 into savings like I've been doing, then transfer that $700 into my credit to pay it off!!! I want to wait because I don't want to leave my savings empty and feel like I have to start over. Its a mind trick.Can you believe I've reached my goal in just under 3 months!?!? If I did this earlier, my credit would have been paid off long ago. Well, I'm glad I kept to this plan. If I would have just put $200 into my credit every paycheck, I would end up spending it. I know this 'cuz that's what I was doing for about 6+ months. I got smart!! But, since Phaedra is gone, I gotta pay for the cell phone bill alone. :[ GAY!!! Hopefully I'll be ok.
What else...? Anything you all want to know about? Let me know.
And it would be easy for him since he didn't really know us. 
As my last month went on, or technically my 4 days, I started hating going into that store. 
I got smart!! But, since Phaedra is gone, I gotta pay for the cell phone bill alone. :[
